My wrist

I've had wrist problems almost my whole life. The furthest back I really remember it was in 4th grade. Writing in cursive was one of the most painful things I went through while in school, and it was a requirement. No one believed me back then.

I don't think my parents caught on to the truth until I was out of high school and the complaining about pain didn't stop. Once it didn't seem like I was being lazy to get out of school work, they finally believed me that I was in agony doing anything that used my right wrist.

When I was 19, I finally saw a doctor. They told me that it must be carpal tunnel but I had to beg to get tested. Their reasoning was that I'd been using computers my whole life and computers cause that. Problem is, I'd been playing piano just as long, and I was taught very early the proper way to hold my wrists to prevent strain and damage.

When I was tested for carpal tunnel, it came back negative. Tendonitis was ruled out due to the prolonged duration of the symptoms. Without any further testing, I was told I had arthritis and it was left at that. My hand and wrist were never x-rayed. Shortly afterward, I became uninsured (when my parents fell ill with cancer). I haven't been tested since.

Over the past year or two, the pain in my wrist has gotten worse and worse every day. What I used to feel only when exerting myself heavily, I now feel almost 24/7. On top of that, I now have a hard mass inside my wrist that has continued to increase in size to where it's visible from the outside.

Why does this trouble me so much? It's because my symptoms echo those of a bone tumor (which can appear on bone or tendon). Granted, the vast majority of the time, those are benign. However, in cases where they're neglected as long as mine has been, the only form of removal is amputation. That would result in the complete loss of my right hand.

I'm trying not to get worked up about this too much, as I'm still waiting to see a doctor (I have insurance now, I just have to wait as none are seeing new patients at the moment). Still the thought is VERY worrying.

As much of a major life change as something like a full (dominant) hand amputation would bring, I'm worrying about something trivial in the broad spectrum; one of my autistic obsessive niche interests: video games. They can't be played with one hand.

This is why I've lately been on such a kick, playing everything I can get ahold of. Buying an XBox360 and getting my PS2 and PSP. There are a handful of Wii and DS games I would still be able to play one handed, but the number is much lower than I would like.

I honestly think losing my hand would be easier of a transition than losing one of my niche interests. Hopefully it won't come to pass, but we'll have to wait and see.

Coming Out

I finally told my boss, after work yesterday (aka 8AM today), that I am autistic. My main reasons are that a coworker is taking advantage of me which is easier because of my autism, and we're having a new supervisor come in, in June.

The coworker is really pushing me, right now. He pulls schemes that I'm not catching onto for weeks at a time, and telling everyone else that I've said things I haven't. Now, it's out in the open that he's doing this and he's actually on the chopping block because of it.

The new supervisor is an issue for me because it's another new person to get used to suddenly. I want him to know ahead of time that I have strange body postures and don't look people in the eyes because of autism, not that I'm dishonest or hiding things.

None of this is a problem, and my boss is happy it's out in the open. Life is easy again. God, I love having that piece of paper with an official diagnosis, now. It was really worth all the effort :)

Surprise! Dream job!

I finally found a job, and started earlier this week. It was just going to be a job until I could find something else, but I was met with an amazing surprise. This is my dream job. My disability doesn't effect me at all, doing this, and I can excel like I'm truly capable of.

I am now a janitor. I work 3rd shift (over nights) at the Oklahoma University Law School. I show up at 10:30PM, long after everyone has left. I leave at 7AM, just before everyone arrives. I don't have any social pressures. I walk around the first floor and clean classrooms, board rooms, one court room, a cafe, a lounge full of fancy furniture, and two bathrooms (the only gross part). I listen to my iPod while I do this (usually science or wrestling podcasts).

I see no one while working. Because of that, I don't have to pretend to be social. I don't have to figure out what people mean when they speak to me. I don't have to deconstruct what I'm saying to make sure it conveys what I really mean. I don't get drained from being "on" through my whole shift. I can be myself fully.

Every job I've ever had, the social side of it has worn me out to the point where I'll get sick (real and pretend) to take much needed time to recoup afterward. If I didn't do this, I could end up crying in a quiet corner or the bathroom (something I've never admitted to before now). I'll never need that here, because I'll never be drained from constant social interaction.

Another giant plus is the lack of immediate supervision. I work fairly quickly on some things, and very slowly on others. Bosses hate this. Either I'm done early, or I take longer than others. If I was done early, I's have to find pointless busy work to keep me occupied so I looked productive (even though I already was). If I worked slow, I always got lectured on being lazy. Here, as long as the work is done and done well, it doesn't matter. I get my work done, and I can run at my own pace. If I need a short break to grab something to snack on, I can. As long as the work gets done. If it takes me an extra 30 minutes to finish something, I can take it. As long as the work gets done. I love this.

The last major difference is that I now work for the state (I didn't know this until my third night). Once I'm past my probationary period, I don't have to stress about being fired for any little thing (it's always a little thing with me, it seems). I'll have REAL job security finally. I won't have to worry about having a single bad day (which shouldn't happen with the social aspects removed, honestly), and rubbing someone the wrong way and losing my job in the process. I'm not going to slack off or doing anything dumb, of course. That's not me in the least. I just won't be stressed out about losing my source of income and having to deal with another round of terribly stressful interviews.

I am a janitor. I am an autistic janitor. I'm proud to be an autistic janitor. I love my new job. I don't want to ever have to look for work again. I'm home.

My past

Only knowing about my autism for a little over a year now, no one who knew me before that had any clue, obviously. I was called lazy a lot. A lot of people misinterpreted things I'd say and read in motives that I never had, destroying many friendships. I would be asked constantly about why I could seem so stupid at times, yet be so intelligent. All of these memories hurt me very badly.

I know it's not the best idea in the world, but part of me would love to call up everyone who I ever disappointed and say, "Hey! Sorry about that. I'm autistic!" It wouldn't make up for things I've done or forgotten, but it would make me feel better. That said, it's not something that is even near the scope of doable, and it will just come off as me making excuses for myself (something I've only recently learned about). That doesn't change the fact that I think about that constantly.

Most of the people are former employers, people I interviewed with, and teachers. I also wish I could tell my parents, but they both passed away three years ago.

One of my more painful memories is my very first job interview. I was sixteen years old, and applying at a CiCi's Pizza (all you can eat pizza buffet, if you haven't heard of it). My mom drove me to the interview, since I didn't have a license yet. I didn't understand the concept of dressing for an interview, yet. I wore the blue jeans that I wore every day of high school, and my favorite t-shirt that I usually wore at least three times a week (they were both so comfortable). The interview was going okay, but the guy doing it made a comment that came off as very rude to me, saying, "You'll need to get some pants that fit." My pants weren't very baggy, but the ankles were frayed from being cut off. I made a joke, trying to lighten the mood, and said, "Oh? I thought these fit just fine." I smiled as I said it, but looked towards the floor, avoiding eye contact. He didn't say anything. The interview finished, and as I was walking out to my mom's car, he came into the parking lot and yelled, "Don't bother coming back! I don't like your attitude!" To this day, I still don't really understand what he meant, but the emotional scar is still there.

I would love to be able to go back to that manager and tell him, "I'm sorry. I'm autistic. I thought I was making a joke and I guess it didn't translate well." It doesn't matter that it was 11 years ago, I relive it very often.

It's so strange to have an invisible disability, especially when I can fake being normal so easily sometimes.

eBay and Paypal protest (spread the word!)

Please spread this video, or the message as far as possible.

Labels

This was a post on Asperger Square 8. I hope they don't mine me posting it here, but it's something I really want to comment on.

I am Joe’s (High) Functioning Label. I serve many purposes for people who like to discuss Joe. What I do for Joe himself is less clear, depending often on Joe’s Point of View. I attach myself to Joe’s Autism Label during the Diagnostic Evaluation, which can occur at any point in Joe’s life, though early childhood is best, if Joe desires to be taken at all seriously. Bonding tightly with Joe’s Autism Label, I have the power to make Joe’s Autism “mild,” or less real. (Please note: Though I am not an official part of the diagnosis, this does not make me any less real.)
In discussions of Joe, you may hear that Joe is Notlikemychild (NLMC). NLMC is simply another name for High Functioning Autism. Joe, like other persons with this form of Autism, does not self injure. Joe may have a history of suicide attempts. Joe may have damage to vital organs from years of alcoholic drinking. Joe may have scars from burning or cutting himself. These do not count. Joe is High Functioning; therefore these things have nothing to do with Joe’s Autism. Joe should really know better. Though he may have head-banged, bitten himself and pulled his hair out as a child, Joe no longer does these things (at least not that anyone knows about).

Joe has self care skills which are adequate. Joe’s fear of eviction due to his inability to throw anything away is a result of Joe’s Laziness, not Joe’s Autism. Joe’s fears of legal repercussions due to the bills he forgot to pay are signs of Joe’s Irresponsibility. People with Real Autism lack self care skills on a more fundamental level. Joe remembers to go to the toilet almost every time he should. Joe prepares meals for himself daily. Please do not ask me to be more specific. Joe’s Nutritional Deficiency is not my fault.

Joe may communicate well by typing. As Joe’s Functioning Label, one of my responsibilities is to ensure that Joe not use this skill to speak about Autism. I sometimes fail at this, and in these cases Joe may be subjected to harsh criticism, ridicule or even threats for having forgotten that he is NLMC.

Sometimes, I prevent Joe from needing accommodations in school, and later in the workplace. Often, Joe will be unemployed as an adult. Sometimes he is underemployed, working at low paying jobs which do not engage his interests or make use of his skills. Joe may misunderstand directions or find himself unable to break inefficient patterns, even when warned by his employer. Joe may have difficulty relating to co-workers, quickly finding himself without allies. He may misinterpret the culture of the business he works for, making remarks which are “inappropriate” or failing to appear at the Optionally Required Social Event.

When Joe is fired, I am there to remind him (and everyone else) that this is his own fault. When Joe protests that the employer’s failure to accommodate his Autism may be at least a part of the problem, everyone looks at me in disbelief. I am the evidence Joe needed nothing. I am Joe’s Functioning Label.

What is this saying? Well, it's actually really simple.

I have high functioning autism. That label is actually a double edged sword. When I work with people, interact with people, or anything of the sort, and they're aware of my "high functioning autism" label; the way they view me is based on circumstances and changes frequently.

When I go for a job interview (or when working a job like I did at Hartford), and they know, they treat me like I'm an idiot because of it. I have autism. I must not be able to function without help at all times. This is not the case, of course.

That said, once I screw something up, I get the exact opposite: How can you screw up something so simple? You're "high functioning!"

This is the main problem with having a label like this. I am not my label. I have my own special set of strengths and weaknesses. Only by getting to know me will you get to know them. If you don't try, or I don't try, I'm set up to fail no matter what.

We need to move past these labels and just learn to help each other work toward common goals. Like mine, of being a functional member of society. That's all I want.

Apple TV

Not exactly an autism related video, but it has ties to it that I can't escape ;)

Nature

I think I'm nearing the end of my job hunt. I've had to go against my nature to do so, and have only been able to do so by understanding how I think, now. I'm learning more and more how my brain works because of my autism. I'm doing this without drugs, without therapy, and without assistance. It's *FAR* from easy, though, and I'm very drained right now.

This is proof to me that I was correct to self diagnose myself almost a year ago. I could have gone this far with only that, but the diagnosis back in November has quieted my nay-sayers in life.

I had to record this video twice due to technical issues. I got rid of the previous technical issues by playing music in the background rather than dubbing it in later, so I hope that works. Either way, this goes into some more detail about my job hunt and what I'm discussing about my nature.

Fail

I've been a musician as long as I've had memory. I think I'm up to about 22 years, now. I started with piano, moved to guitar, moved to bass guitar, and finally moved to drums. As my arthritis has gotten progressively worse, I've lost my ability to play the first three. Now, I only play drums.

When we moved out to Oklahoma, I was drumless. I sold my electric set a little while before we left Florida (story for another day). I found myself a beautiful acoustic set with a retail of $2400. It wasn't long before it was mine.

All was well at our old (sewagey) apartment. One side from us was vacant. The other side never minded if I played. That said, it was very difficult for me, because I don't like people hearing me practice because that's when I make all my mistakes.

When we moved in to our new apartment, that's where the problems came in. Both of our neighbors knew I had a kit and okayed certain times to play. The first time I played, our neighbor across the hall beat my door down to tell me to stop. His kid was napping. The second time I played, our downstairs neighbor came up to tell me I missed lots of beats and asked if his wife could watch me play for a while. That REALLY made me self-conscious. I stopped playing then.

I finally made the very hard choice to sell my beautiful new acoustic set and buy another electric. I finally found someone on Craig's List who would trade one for one with me. It was at a loss on my end, but I really needed to play again.

Tonight, Rachel and I drove 70 miles each way to trade kits. I brought the new one home, set it up, and started trying it out so I could get everything set where I wanted it. While using it, the downstairs neighbor came up and asked me to stop. They could hear everything.

Why do I even try? :(

Scam

Being aware of what's wrong with me, now, has had a great impact.

I'm currently going to job interviews, looking for a new place of employment. I've dropped applications and resumes at more places than I can remember; In person and over the internet. One interview I was called back for was an insurance company that was relocating to Norman in another month or two. I knew I applied to a few insurance companies, so I scheduled an interview and got excited about it.

In the past, I would have ignored every warning sign I'm about to discuss. I would have taken everything at face value and completely trusted the person interviewing me. This is a result of my Asperger's Syndrome. Being aware that I do this, I can be more alert to this feeling.

When I went to the interview, I was told that the company found my resume online, but to bring a copy with me. I did, and it was never asked for. The "office" had two employees (both managers), and was very poorly decorated. The furniture was cheap and damaged looking. The place really looked like a fly-by-night operation. I was told the manager had just taken it over from another guy because his sales were higher. That said, he never mentioned why he had NO employees. He just said it was a start up opportunity. Throughout the interview, he did nothing but talking about how much money I could make, but by commission only. I'd also have to pay for my own licensing and training (good companies pay you for that) which could take a month or better. He wanted me to sign up for that on the spot.

Because of my new self-awareness, I asked for 24 hours to think the offer over. I now know not to make snap judgments. As I drove home, I decided that it sounded good, but to do some internet research and to talk to my friend Tyler, who'd worked as a life insurance salesman before.

My buddy said that it all sounded like the bad company he worked for that basically paid him nothing for several months, but that this one might be legit and I could take the license elsewhere if it didn't work out. Once I did some internet research, I learned that this company was currently being investigated for fraud and money laundering. They also have countless scam alerts all over different major websites like the Better Business Bureau.

Thankfully, I didn't take the job. I think I made the right choice, and I feel good about it. A little over a year ago, I'd currently be over $200 in debt working there and never make another penny back (not to count gas costs into that).

Autism Charting

This is nothing official, but still very interesting.



0 indicates no autistic component, 10 indicates a strong autistic component. The components of this plot are outlined below:

# Repetitive or restricted Behaviours and Interests (RBI) - Stereotyped, repetitive behaviours and interests
# Social Impairment (SI) - Social understanding
# Language problems (L) - Speech, words and sentences
# Planning, Organization and Concentration problems (POC) - Cognitive skills related to being able to plan, organise and stay focused
# Imaging and Recall problems (IR) - Visualisation, imagination and remembering past events
# Reasoning and Problem solving problems (RP) - Cognitive skills related to rational deduction and working things out
# Sensory problems (S) - Impact of senses
# Motor problems (M) - Control of own movement

RBI =8.25
SI=7.5
L=3.75
POC=4.5
IR=5.75
RP=5.25
S=6.75
M=5.25

---

Here's the link if anyone else is interested in taking this test:
http://www.pttools.co.uk/asc/asc_wp2.php

Job Interviews

First off: when I post a blog, if I don't have a picture specifically for it, I'm going to add a funny one from my special folder. I'm not going to ever explain more than that. Just enjoy.

I've pretty much solidified a new job at the museum/college campus down the street from me. It might take a while to get in, so I'm trying to keep my options open as well.

I found out that a new pet store opened, here in town, so I went to apply there. I have several years of experience working in pet stores and have even managed one department for one. When this place learned that, they insisted that I apply. They've got managers from other stores subbing in until they can find people to work those spots. That's a good sign for me. I dropped off my resumé, but was told I had to fill out their online application from home. It had a test I needed to take.

I came home and signed on to their site. Ten minutes into the application, the site locked up. I tried it again and got the same result. Maybe it was Firefox. I tried it again in Safari and did even make it past the first page. They had a tech support number, so I called it. He told me the site was designed for Internet Explorer and wouldn't work in other browsers.

I knew Rachel's laptop had IE, even though it was still a Mac. I jumped on and started, yet again, and again got nowhere. I called tech support back and he laughed and said I should have bought a real computer with Windows on it. I hung up on him and called the pet store back. They said that my resume was not enough and I had to take the online test. That said, I could come take it in the store.

I showed back up at the pet shop at 5PM. I found the computer in question and started from scratch again. There were five positions I was applying for, but I could apply for all at once. Then, I got to the test.

Anyone with Asperger's Syndrome who has applied for a job online knows what I'm about to say. I've learned that we all dread it. It's the horrible "personality test." It asks you 200 questions about your personality that they expect you to answer honestly. Anyone with a brain lies like crazy on these just to get the job. They don't help companies at all. The problem is, with AS, I take the questions totally at face value and literally. That causes me to misread them and give the wrong answers. I hate these tests and wish they'd never been created. They have NO value for companies (I've hired people with and without them and without has always gotten me more valuable people).

The worst part is that for three of the job titles, I had to take the same test. That's 200 of those idiotic questions three times over. Then for two others, I had to take those SAME 200 QUESTIONS AGAIN plus 85 very difficult word problems (math, of course). I had to do these with no scrap paper or calculator, so they took about two minutes each. I didn't get out of that store until 8PM almost.

Why have companies moved on to this technology? Do they really think this nets them better employees? Do they think it's fair to require people to own a Windows based computer to apply, or even a computer at all? Not everyone can stand at a computer in their store for hours on end like that.

It just seemed really pointless, and I needed to vent. I feel better now, and will feel a lot better once I start at a new job.

Shitty day.

Well, the neighbors who we called the cops on know it was us, now. The neighbors below us know it was us and told us not to do it again.

I got fired today for being sick from the sewage at our previous apartment.

I realized I currently suck at drums because I'm so out of practice and it's really hard to get any amount of practice in when you live in an apartment with paper-thin walls.

It's one of those days where I just want to give up. Ugh.

Scared

If you read this blog, please leave a comment on this post. I need advice.

For the second night since we moved into our new apartment, I've heard my neighbor beat his wife. They scream at each other, he smacks the shit out of her, I hear her slam into the walls, and I hear her cry like crazy.

The first time it happened, I called 911. An officer came and spoke to them. I heard the whole conversation. They both made excuses, and she said that he didn't hit her, only things, and that it was the baby crying (I can tell the difference between an infant crying, and a grown woman).

I don't want my neighbor to know that I was the one who called the cops, which is what's keeping me from calling again, tonight. Still, I hate to know this is going on, let alone having to hear it so clearly.

---

As I was typing, I just learned that this time it was our downstairs neighbor (the other one). The husband is outside, telling her to come back inside. I also heard one of them kick one of their dogs.

Is this the norm in Oklahoma? Should I just learn to ignore it? It really makes me feel like a terrible person not to help in this situation. What can I do?

Wrestling is Back!

We're finally settled in to our new apartment. The cable got turned on yesterday, and we got some great news. The way our complex is wired, they have to give the same service to everyone in our building.

As such, we get full cable (we only had the most basic package available) thanks to our neighbors. In return, our neighbors get the fastest speed cable internet connection that our provider offers. It's a great trade.

Thanks to having free (kind of) cable, I can watch televised wrestling again. This makes me happier than anything else in this move.

I normally go to bed around 9PM because I have to be up so early for work the next day, but I'm currently watching TNA wrestling, which is on until 10PM, and I'll do the same with WWE Raw on Monday which is on past 10PM.

Wrestling really brings out the obsessive geek in me! :)