No Internet

Sorry for the lack of posts. We had to move suddenly and have no internet here, yet. I'm on a borrowed wifi, but it's not stable.

Our old apartment complex talked me into giving them another week to fix things and make everything right. At the end of that week, our upstairs was collapsing more and hadn't been addressed, we'd had sewage in the parking lot for a week (that's what the picture is), they changed their mind about paying for the damage to my motorcycle, and they threatened to evict us because Rachel's name wasn't on the lease (it is).

We finally made the decision that we couldn't deal with the harassment any longer, so we started moving into a new complex that day. I injured myself falling on the frozen sewage on Saturday night, but otherwise we're here now.

The old complex wants to hold us liable for breaking the lease, keep our security deposit, and charge us 85% of the remaining 7 months on our lease. Legally, they have no leg to stand on. I'm working on a lawsuit against them that will address the damage to my motorcycle, and our moving expenses since we had to vacate suddenly. I don't want to deal with it, at all, but I don't want to let them "win."

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I forget I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I go out of my way with social things. I now understand that, that overwhelms me. Yet every once in a while, I slip up and don't take it easy.

The past week or so, I've been dealing with our land lord issues here, looking for a new apartment, calling for quotes on repairing some damage to my motorcycle, spending time with my other half, and working in a call center environment. It's easy to understand that I shouldn't be doing all that. That's why I'm spending an evening completely alone.

Rachel is downstairs and is minding our dog's attention, I'm off the phone, and I'm just going to shower and play my DS for a few hours before bed. This should recharge me enough to make it through the rest of my week.

A year ago, I would have gotten stressed out at work, like I did today, and probably quit my job or played sick. Back then, I didn't understand getting socially overloaded, and it happened a lot. Work was the one place I couldn't fully control interactions, so it always hurt me. Now, I understand what's going on and can work at correcting it.

Today, I toughed it out at work and made it to the end of the day with a smile on my face, as well. I came home and spent about an hour with Rachel while I ate supper and we watched some How It's Built (great show, by the way). Now, I'm alone and it's so peaceful.

I'm glad I finally understand how my brain works! :)

(Picture is of my beautiful poison dart frog, Miso)

Article on Autism

I just came across the article on upi.com:

Ads anger parents of autistic children

Published: Dec. 14, 2007 at 11:42 PM

NEW YORK, Dec. 14 (UPI) -- An ad campaign in New York aimed at drawing attention to children with mental illness has angered many who say it stigmatizes those children.

The campaign, planned by the New York University Child Study Center, features mock ransom notes. One reads: "We have your son. We will make sure he will no longer be able to care for himself or interact socially as long as he lives." It is signed "Autism."

Kristina Chew -- the mother of an autistic child and founder of a blog, Autism Vox -- told The New York Times the campaign has united people who normally do not agree about much.

"To say that autism or bulimia has kidnapped a child suggests that these conditions are part of a criminal element," she said.

Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, director of the center, said the ads were developed after conversations with parents who said they felt that their children had been stolen by disorders like autism and depression. He has no plans to change the campaign and says the ads will run in other cities if they do well in New York.

The ads were created pro bono by the ad agency BBDO.

I must say that I'm HIGHLY offended by this ad. I have autism and lived for 26 years without knowing it, going on like I was normal. I can care for myself and interact socially just fine (although not as perfect as everyone else can).

Whomever made these ads: FUCK YOU! You really know nothing of the condition you're speaking about, and I'll stop watching any show that runs those ads.

Sorry, needed to vent.

The Simpsons Game

I love my DS way more than anyone should love an inanimate object. I've played about two-hundred of the games for the system, so it's safe to say I know what's good and what's not.

On Thursday, I picked up a game that I wasn't expecting much from, The Simpsons Game. I'd heard a lot of negative things about the console version, but a little positive about this one. I was really hesitant since it was made by EA. They've yet to release anything good for a portable system. Either way, I gave it a shot.

To my great surprise and pleasure, this game is amazing! It's a total throwback to early 1990's platform action games. It also has great puzzle elements to it, as well. One level was even a remake of Frogger. Throughout all of this, there are insane amounts of dialog from the characters. Most of the humor is very adult oriented, also. I've never laughed so hard while playing a video game (other than Rayman Ravid Rabbids on my Wii).

My only complaint about this game is how short it is. I'm 25% of the way through it with just over an hour put in to it. That said, I'll happily play it again when I'm done.

If you have a DS, I whole-heartedly recommend picking this title up. Buy it used, though, so you can return it when you finish the game in less than a week. :)

If there's enough interest in entries like this, I may do more. Leave a comment and I'll think about it.

UPDATE: I decided to make a new blog just for video game reviews. I think there's a need for one to be run by someone who's not completely jaded with the genre or being bribed by manufacturers. If you're interested, it can be found here: http://glitchgames.blogspot.com.

Trust

Throughout my life, I've always had a problem with trust. It's almost always come back to bite me in the ass. I'm extremely trusting of everyone I meet, and I can't change that no matter how hard I try. I feel really guilty if I do.

The most recent example of this is our apartment complex. It's falling apart, right now. Management won't fix it or even look at it. Property of ours has been damaged (the main one that pissed me off was my motorcycle), and they won't reimburse us when it was done directly by their actions. All this, and I still have trouble being firm with my points when I speak to anyone in the office.

Today, I have to get us out of our lease. Once I do that, I have to sign a lease on a new apartment. That one has me worried, because I'm going to be too trusting again. I've come to learn that will never change, and I guess I can accept that now with my diagnosis.

Social behavior is usually something that those of us with Asperger's Syndrome can't understand or learn very easily. I understand that sometimes people lie when it benefits them. I don't understand the concept fully, because I don't have this behavior. Because of that, I can't tell when I'm hearing a lie and when I'm hearing the truth.

This is a huge disability, when it comes to fitting in with normal society. I only have a black & white understanding on honesty. I trust any person I meet until they cross me more often then not, then I won't trust them at all.

Let's hope that things improve with this new apartment complex because I don't expect them to do so here, now.

(pictures is of my dog, Tumble)

Ice

Oklahoma is covered with ice right now. Some areas I was in today had over an inch thick. While frustrating and dangerous, I can't stop being fascinated at how pretty it all is. This is the first time I've ever experienced weather like this. :)

The picture is the throttle on my motorcycle.

Diet

My diet has always been a point of interest for family and friends. I'm beyond an acceptable level of picky.

There are very few foods I will actually eat. Of those, the texture has to be a certain way and the flavor has to be exactly what I expect. I've been known to pick through an order of french fries and throw away close to half of them because they're just not right.

My family always made fun of me for this, but I now know it was just another symptom of my Asperger's Syndrome.

This has come to be a problem since we moved to Oklahoma. The grocery stores out here just plain suck. I've always shopped at Publix (exclusive to the south eastern US) since I was a child. I can remember getting free cookies in the bakery with my mom when I was two years old. I even worked for Publix for a short while. They're a *GREAT* company and I can't recommend them enough.

I'm ranting now.

My point is, a lot of the products I bought at Publix don't exist out here. It took me about two months to learn what I can eat out here. I still don't have a comfortable diet yet. I honestly need to go shopping when the store is empty so I can figure something out.

Another problem is that I've been very sick for about six weeks. It has something to do with how I'm digesting things. I'm going to see a gastroenterologist (stomach doctor) tomorrow. I know they're going to try and get me to change my diet. I'd love to, but I can't. It's not something that I'm mentally capable of, to be honest. I've spent three years teaching myself to eat salad, and I can still only do that with baby spinich, greek dressing, and cheddar cheese cubes and nothing else. Any change in that make it inedible. I've only recently gotten to where I can enjoy that, and I can still only eat it once a month.

I hope the doctor understands that I'm not really just picky. It's part of a mental disorder. I'll post what happened later tomorrow.

UPDATE: No diet change needed. We actually found something in one of my tests that answered all the problems, and a week on an antibiotic will clear it right up. Yay!

Wrestling

Today was Thanksgiving. Most normal people spent a good portion of the day watching football. I spent the day watching professional wrestling (mostly indy promotions).

I've been watching wrestling since I was five or six years old. I started with Hulk Hogan's (terrible) cartoon on Saturday mornings, and quickly moved on to WWF Superstars on Saturday afternoons. I've never stopped.

I know way more about wrestling than any person should. I've been to more shows than any fan should. I've met and talked to more wrestlers than anyone (outside the business) should. I have something like 30 wrestling t-shirts, most of them bought in the past two years. I own around 800 hours of wrestling DVDs.

I think it's safe to say that this is one of my obsessive niche interests.

Oh, and never get me started talking about wrestling. I won't shut up. Ever.

Rough day at work

Today was hell at work. I work for an (unnamed) major company in a call center environment. It's extremely corporate.

I have arthritis. I know I'm young, but I've had it as far back as when I was ten. As such, I have trouble using a mouse at work. I need a trackball. This is where the trouble began.

I wasn't allowed to bring my own trackball. I've done this everywhere I've ever worked and never had any issues. They needed a doctor's note. No problem, I thought. I was wrong.

I got the form to have a doctor fill out back on my second day. My doctor back in Florida wouldn't fill it out without seeing me. That's not so easy when you're in Oklahoma. On top of that, I couldn't find a doctor out here who was accepting new patients. Finally, I ended up at the Urgent Care (one step below the emergency room) for something, and the doctor who did my follow-up filled it out for me.

I submitted the form at work and waited two weeks. Finally, it was approved. I couldn't bring my own and they would order one for me. Here's a trimmed down version of the email I got:

Hello Jade,
[[Jade Walker trackball.doc]]
I have attached your authorization form to this email. This form needs to be attached to your order with ISD on line services.

I do not place the order so please contact the help desk if you are not sure how to order this item.

This governance form must completed and the approval must be attached with your order to ISD,
the governance form can be accessed through this link: [link]

Yeah, that was Greek to me, too. I contacted my boss's boss and got the following two responses back to back:

I will get with the facilities manager and will have definitive answers in the morning.

In the interim, go ahead and contact the helpdesk to walk you through ordering the trackball.

Because of my Asperger's, I immediately put myself in "After Call Work" and called the help desk, who couldn't help me at all. I asked my boss, who scolded me for using ACW, then called her boss. She then told my boss that she "specifically told me not to do it in ACW, and to do it on my break." I got so frustrated by that, that I almost quit. I hate when someone lies about what they say to me. Thankfully, I saved the email.

An hour later, I got the following email from my boss:

I got some clarification on the trackball ordering process. Going forward, you aren't required to do anything at time this. If you receive any emails about this process, these should be redirected to [her boss] or myself. You do not need to save the emails or forms you've received in email, and there will be no need to contact the Help Desk, [facilities manager], HR, or anyone else with exception of [her boss] or myself. Everything has been taken care of to begin the process.

[her boss] is working from home today and submitted the forms for you today. This will begin the process of ordering the trackball. I also learned this is usually a 3 to 6 week process, as you can see below. I know you've been frustrated about the process and I can understand that, I really wanted to assist you today but we needed additional support in order to submit all of these forms. Now that we've learned the exact process, please see the expectations below. I know you inquired about a rush process before, and there isn't one that exists so the process outlined below will be the process followed.

From: my boss
To: her boss

I spoke with [facilities manager] and he gave me further clarification on this process. [facilities manager] said the attached Word document and the governance form have to come from Jade's manager. [facilities manager] said I could probably fill it all out but it has to be emailed from your email address to [misc HR guy]. [misc HR guy] will then review the information and return the approval to your email address. At that time, we have to save his email and both of these forms to our desktop, open a hardware request on an ISD service ticket, and submit this. ISD will order the hardware and it'll be shipped to ISD, then to our local office. [facilities manager] said turn around time could be several weeks, especially with a request being this close to the holidays and people out of the office, etc. [facilities manager] said he could step in and offer assistance if the mouse wasn't received by Christmas but for him to get involved prior to this wouldn't be beneficial or speed the process along because the process literally takes that long.

Good! The trackball crap is out of my hands finally! It sucks that I have to wait so long for it, now (especially when it's the same model that I already own and offered to bring in).

On my break, towards the end of the day, I talked to my boss about the problems with the "after call work." I told her that it really upset me when I was told that her boss specifically said not to use it. I showed her the email and she said it was implied. I asked her if she remembered my first day with her and what I said about autism. She said yes. I asked her if she remembered me asking for her to be clear because I take everything literally. She smiled and said yes. I asked her if she remembered me telling her boss the same thing. She laughed and said yes. I think she knew where I was going with this. I asked her to reread the email and tell me literally what it said. She said, "Get off the phone, go into ACW, and call help desk right now." I smiled, she laughed, and everything is okay now.

This never would have been possible before I was diagnosed. People would have just accused me of being difficult or lazy and that would have been it. I may have even been fired. It's nice to have people exersise a bit of patience with me finally!

---

UPDATE: I finally got my trackball as of 12-3-07. It's the wrong model, but they'll let me use it until the correct one arrives. Woo! :)

Infancy

When I was little, I never cried. Never. I played in a crib all day and was unnervingly quiet. My parents always worried about me because of that.

When I was two, not only was I speaking in completely sentences, I was reading signs and some books by myself.

I always thought this kind of stuff was normal, but I now know that I'm in the minority. It's funny looking back on it that no one thought to have me screened for anything.

Symptoms

I think it would be a good idea to list some of my symptoms on here. Maybe you can see a few of these in yourself and they'll help you in some way. I'll probably forget several, but this is a good start, I think.

Social

• speaking literally
• taking other's statements literally
• unable to deal with unfamiliar situations
• uncomfortable with physical contact
• unable to follow rules that don't make sense
• vague instructions cause freezing up

Stimming Rituals

• leg fidgitting
• touching my lips
• stroking my beard
• cracking fingers/wrists/elbows/shoulders/ankles

Obsessive Niche Interests

• professional wrestling
• body modification (piercing, tattooing, etc)
• portable video games
• math based puzzle games
• tarantulas
• insects

Sensory

• disgusted by dry textures
• unable to stomach unfamiliar tastes
• ability to "feel" sounds

Discrimination

Something I've come to learn very quickly is how fast people discriminate against "invisible" disabilities.

Asperger's Syndrome is usually coupled with a high IQ. When mine was tested, back when I was seven, it was 140. I was immediately put into gifted classes and have been treated as such my whole life.

Around two months after I came to realize I had Asperger's (a story for another day), I came out on a blog I'd been on for the better part of eight years. I talked about not being able to find a doctor to get a clinical diagnosis. Rather than support, I was attacked very opening and very heavily. Here's a sampling of the responses I got:

• "Maybe you should meet some people who really suffer from Autism, as well as their families and then maybe you will understand the disrespect that you are showing by continuing this mockery."


• "My only conclusion from this and your job history is that all you want is an excuse, other than yourself, for all the jobs that you have lost. Well Autism would fit the bill… if only you actually had it."


• "It is absolutely insulting that you would lie about having Aspergers Syndrome. It is insulting to those of us trying to offer you advice and insulting to the community of people who are affected in their daily lives by Autism and Aspergers."


• "It seems, and I am not the only one who thinks so, that you are now using aspergers syndrome as yet another way for you to NOT have to take responsibility for your own actions."


• "The reason this issue is so important is that Aspergers is a complicated disorder and you are mocking it with your "Aspie Power" cheer. I think that is wrong when there are people who genuinely suffer from it."


• "...someday he'll be friendless and alone because nobody will want to be around him anymore."


• "By claiming to be autistic without a doctor's diagnosis, you're spitting in the face of all the little autistic kids that already have one."

There were many more, but you get the idea.

I lost a lot of friends who thought I was looking for an excuse. They thought it was impossible for me to be gifted and have a mental handicap.

When this first went down, it was VERY difficult for me to deal with. Seeing friends you've had for almost a decade turning on you isn't easy for anyone. As of my diagnosis, I now understand that I was right from the beginning and these people were either manipulating me or just plain jerks.

I know I'll never escape this level of discrimination, but at least I feel vindicated over one of the most extreme cases I'm ever likely to go through.

A new world has opened up

Welcome to my new blog. My name is Jade. I have Asperger's Syndrome.

Until I was 26 years old, I had no clue what autism is. I'd just hear it in conversations and never ask. As far as I knew, it was just a learning disability. Little did I know, it was part of me and would change my life forever.

I was just diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome on Wednesday, November 14th, 2007. It took me eight months to find a doctor who works with adults who have autism. I also had to move across the country to do it. There were none in Florida.

I'm going to fill this blog with stories about my life. Looking back on things that were clues to my mental chemistry, interactions with other, and random things in my day that show ways that you can blend in to every day society if you work really hard at it.

In the end, I hope this blog can help people. Keep checking back for more.