Coming Out

I finally told my boss, after work yesterday (aka 8AM today), that I am autistic. My main reasons are that a coworker is taking advantage of me which is easier because of my autism, and we're having a new supervisor come in, in June.

The coworker is really pushing me, right now. He pulls schemes that I'm not catching onto for weeks at a time, and telling everyone else that I've said things I haven't. Now, it's out in the open that he's doing this and he's actually on the chopping block because of it.

The new supervisor is an issue for me because it's another new person to get used to suddenly. I want him to know ahead of time that I have strange body postures and don't look people in the eyes because of autism, not that I'm dishonest or hiding things.

None of this is a problem, and my boss is happy it's out in the open. Life is easy again. God, I love having that piece of paper with an official diagnosis, now. It was really worth all the effort :)

Surprise! Dream job!

I finally found a job, and started earlier this week. It was just going to be a job until I could find something else, but I was met with an amazing surprise. This is my dream job. My disability doesn't effect me at all, doing this, and I can excel like I'm truly capable of.

I am now a janitor. I work 3rd shift (over nights) at the Oklahoma University Law School. I show up at 10:30PM, long after everyone has left. I leave at 7AM, just before everyone arrives. I don't have any social pressures. I walk around the first floor and clean classrooms, board rooms, one court room, a cafe, a lounge full of fancy furniture, and two bathrooms (the only gross part). I listen to my iPod while I do this (usually science or wrestling podcasts).

I see no one while working. Because of that, I don't have to pretend to be social. I don't have to figure out what people mean when they speak to me. I don't have to deconstruct what I'm saying to make sure it conveys what I really mean. I don't get drained from being "on" through my whole shift. I can be myself fully.

Every job I've ever had, the social side of it has worn me out to the point where I'll get sick (real and pretend) to take much needed time to recoup afterward. If I didn't do this, I could end up crying in a quiet corner or the bathroom (something I've never admitted to before now). I'll never need that here, because I'll never be drained from constant social interaction.

Another giant plus is the lack of immediate supervision. I work fairly quickly on some things, and very slowly on others. Bosses hate this. Either I'm done early, or I take longer than others. If I was done early, I's have to find pointless busy work to keep me occupied so I looked productive (even though I already was). If I worked slow, I always got lectured on being lazy. Here, as long as the work is done and done well, it doesn't matter. I get my work done, and I can run at my own pace. If I need a short break to grab something to snack on, I can. As long as the work gets done. If it takes me an extra 30 minutes to finish something, I can take it. As long as the work gets done. I love this.

The last major difference is that I now work for the state (I didn't know this until my third night). Once I'm past my probationary period, I don't have to stress about being fired for any little thing (it's always a little thing with me, it seems). I'll have REAL job security finally. I won't have to worry about having a single bad day (which shouldn't happen with the social aspects removed, honestly), and rubbing someone the wrong way and losing my job in the process. I'm not going to slack off or doing anything dumb, of course. That's not me in the least. I just won't be stressed out about losing my source of income and having to deal with another round of terribly stressful interviews.

I am a janitor. I am an autistic janitor. I'm proud to be an autistic janitor. I love my new job. I don't want to ever have to look for work again. I'm home.

My past

Only knowing about my autism for a little over a year now, no one who knew me before that had any clue, obviously. I was called lazy a lot. A lot of people misinterpreted things I'd say and read in motives that I never had, destroying many friendships. I would be asked constantly about why I could seem so stupid at times, yet be so intelligent. All of these memories hurt me very badly.

I know it's not the best idea in the world, but part of me would love to call up everyone who I ever disappointed and say, "Hey! Sorry about that. I'm autistic!" It wouldn't make up for things I've done or forgotten, but it would make me feel better. That said, it's not something that is even near the scope of doable, and it will just come off as me making excuses for myself (something I've only recently learned about). That doesn't change the fact that I think about that constantly.

Most of the people are former employers, people I interviewed with, and teachers. I also wish I could tell my parents, but they both passed away three years ago.

One of my more painful memories is my very first job interview. I was sixteen years old, and applying at a CiCi's Pizza (all you can eat pizza buffet, if you haven't heard of it). My mom drove me to the interview, since I didn't have a license yet. I didn't understand the concept of dressing for an interview, yet. I wore the blue jeans that I wore every day of high school, and my favorite t-shirt that I usually wore at least three times a week (they were both so comfortable). The interview was going okay, but the guy doing it made a comment that came off as very rude to me, saying, "You'll need to get some pants that fit." My pants weren't very baggy, but the ankles were frayed from being cut off. I made a joke, trying to lighten the mood, and said, "Oh? I thought these fit just fine." I smiled as I said it, but looked towards the floor, avoiding eye contact. He didn't say anything. The interview finished, and as I was walking out to my mom's car, he came into the parking lot and yelled, "Don't bother coming back! I don't like your attitude!" To this day, I still don't really understand what he meant, but the emotional scar is still there.

I would love to be able to go back to that manager and tell him, "I'm sorry. I'm autistic. I thought I was making a joke and I guess it didn't translate well." It doesn't matter that it was 11 years ago, I relive it very often.

It's so strange to have an invisible disability, especially when I can fake being normal so easily sometimes.

Labels

This was a post on Asperger Square 8. I hope they don't mine me posting it here, but it's something I really want to comment on.

I am Joe’s (High) Functioning Label. I serve many purposes for people who like to discuss Joe. What I do for Joe himself is less clear, depending often on Joe’s Point of View. I attach myself to Joe’s Autism Label during the Diagnostic Evaluation, which can occur at any point in Joe’s life, though early childhood is best, if Joe desires to be taken at all seriously. Bonding tightly with Joe’s Autism Label, I have the power to make Joe’s Autism “mild,” or less real. (Please note: Though I am not an official part of the diagnosis, this does not make me any less real.)
In discussions of Joe, you may hear that Joe is Notlikemychild (NLMC). NLMC is simply another name for High Functioning Autism. Joe, like other persons with this form of Autism, does not self injure. Joe may have a history of suicide attempts. Joe may have damage to vital organs from years of alcoholic drinking. Joe may have scars from burning or cutting himself. These do not count. Joe is High Functioning; therefore these things have nothing to do with Joe’s Autism. Joe should really know better. Though he may have head-banged, bitten himself and pulled his hair out as a child, Joe no longer does these things (at least not that anyone knows about).

Joe has self care skills which are adequate. Joe’s fear of eviction due to his inability to throw anything away is a result of Joe’s Laziness, not Joe’s Autism. Joe’s fears of legal repercussions due to the bills he forgot to pay are signs of Joe’s Irresponsibility. People with Real Autism lack self care skills on a more fundamental level. Joe remembers to go to the toilet almost every time he should. Joe prepares meals for himself daily. Please do not ask me to be more specific. Joe’s Nutritional Deficiency is not my fault.

Joe may communicate well by typing. As Joe’s Functioning Label, one of my responsibilities is to ensure that Joe not use this skill to speak about Autism. I sometimes fail at this, and in these cases Joe may be subjected to harsh criticism, ridicule or even threats for having forgotten that he is NLMC.

Sometimes, I prevent Joe from needing accommodations in school, and later in the workplace. Often, Joe will be unemployed as an adult. Sometimes he is underemployed, working at low paying jobs which do not engage his interests or make use of his skills. Joe may misunderstand directions or find himself unable to break inefficient patterns, even when warned by his employer. Joe may have difficulty relating to co-workers, quickly finding himself without allies. He may misinterpret the culture of the business he works for, making remarks which are “inappropriate” or failing to appear at the Optionally Required Social Event.

When Joe is fired, I am there to remind him (and everyone else) that this is his own fault. When Joe protests that the employer’s failure to accommodate his Autism may be at least a part of the problem, everyone looks at me in disbelief. I am the evidence Joe needed nothing. I am Joe’s Functioning Label.

What is this saying? Well, it's actually really simple.

I have high functioning autism. That label is actually a double edged sword. When I work with people, interact with people, or anything of the sort, and they're aware of my "high functioning autism" label; the way they view me is based on circumstances and changes frequently.

When I go for a job interview (or when working a job like I did at Hartford), and they know, they treat me like I'm an idiot because of it. I have autism. I must not be able to function without help at all times. This is not the case, of course.

That said, once I screw something up, I get the exact opposite: How can you screw up something so simple? You're "high functioning!"

This is the main problem with having a label like this. I am not my label. I have my own special set of strengths and weaknesses. Only by getting to know me will you get to know them. If you don't try, or I don't try, I'm set up to fail no matter what.

We need to move past these labels and just learn to help each other work toward common goals. Like mine, of being a functional member of society. That's all I want.

Nature

I think I'm nearing the end of my job hunt. I've had to go against my nature to do so, and have only been able to do so by understanding how I think, now. I'm learning more and more how my brain works because of my autism. I'm doing this without drugs, without therapy, and without assistance. It's *FAR* from easy, though, and I'm very drained right now.

This is proof to me that I was correct to self diagnose myself almost a year ago. I could have gone this far with only that, but the diagnosis back in November has quieted my nay-sayers in life.

I had to record this video twice due to technical issues. I got rid of the previous technical issues by playing music in the background rather than dubbing it in later, so I hope that works. Either way, this goes into some more detail about my job hunt and what I'm discussing about my nature.

Scam

Being aware of what's wrong with me, now, has had a great impact.

I'm currently going to job interviews, looking for a new place of employment. I've dropped applications and resumes at more places than I can remember; In person and over the internet. One interview I was called back for was an insurance company that was relocating to Norman in another month or two. I knew I applied to a few insurance companies, so I scheduled an interview and got excited about it.

In the past, I would have ignored every warning sign I'm about to discuss. I would have taken everything at face value and completely trusted the person interviewing me. This is a result of my Asperger's Syndrome. Being aware that I do this, I can be more alert to this feeling.

When I went to the interview, I was told that the company found my resume online, but to bring a copy with me. I did, and it was never asked for. The "office" had two employees (both managers), and was very poorly decorated. The furniture was cheap and damaged looking. The place really looked like a fly-by-night operation. I was told the manager had just taken it over from another guy because his sales were higher. That said, he never mentioned why he had NO employees. He just said it was a start up opportunity. Throughout the interview, he did nothing but talking about how much money I could make, but by commission only. I'd also have to pay for my own licensing and training (good companies pay you for that) which could take a month or better. He wanted me to sign up for that on the spot.

Because of my new self-awareness, I asked for 24 hours to think the offer over. I now know not to make snap judgments. As I drove home, I decided that it sounded good, but to do some internet research and to talk to my friend Tyler, who'd worked as a life insurance salesman before.

My buddy said that it all sounded like the bad company he worked for that basically paid him nothing for several months, but that this one might be legit and I could take the license elsewhere if it didn't work out. Once I did some internet research, I learned that this company was currently being investigated for fraud and money laundering. They also have countless scam alerts all over different major websites like the Better Business Bureau.

Thankfully, I didn't take the job. I think I made the right choice, and I feel good about it. A little over a year ago, I'd currently be over $200 in debt working there and never make another penny back (not to count gas costs into that).

Job Interviews

First off: when I post a blog, if I don't have a picture specifically for it, I'm going to add a funny one from my special folder. I'm not going to ever explain more than that. Just enjoy.

I've pretty much solidified a new job at the museum/college campus down the street from me. It might take a while to get in, so I'm trying to keep my options open as well.

I found out that a new pet store opened, here in town, so I went to apply there. I have several years of experience working in pet stores and have even managed one department for one. When this place learned that, they insisted that I apply. They've got managers from other stores subbing in until they can find people to work those spots. That's a good sign for me. I dropped off my resumé, but was told I had to fill out their online application from home. It had a test I needed to take.

I came home and signed on to their site. Ten minutes into the application, the site locked up. I tried it again and got the same result. Maybe it was Firefox. I tried it again in Safari and did even make it past the first page. They had a tech support number, so I called it. He told me the site was designed for Internet Explorer and wouldn't work in other browsers.

I knew Rachel's laptop had IE, even though it was still a Mac. I jumped on and started, yet again, and again got nowhere. I called tech support back and he laughed and said I should have bought a real computer with Windows on it. I hung up on him and called the pet store back. They said that my resume was not enough and I had to take the online test. That said, I could come take it in the store.

I showed back up at the pet shop at 5PM. I found the computer in question and started from scratch again. There were five positions I was applying for, but I could apply for all at once. Then, I got to the test.

Anyone with Asperger's Syndrome who has applied for a job online knows what I'm about to say. I've learned that we all dread it. It's the horrible "personality test." It asks you 200 questions about your personality that they expect you to answer honestly. Anyone with a brain lies like crazy on these just to get the job. They don't help companies at all. The problem is, with AS, I take the questions totally at face value and literally. That causes me to misread them and give the wrong answers. I hate these tests and wish they'd never been created. They have NO value for companies (I've hired people with and without them and without has always gotten me more valuable people).

The worst part is that for three of the job titles, I had to take the same test. That's 200 of those idiotic questions three times over. Then for two others, I had to take those SAME 200 QUESTIONS AGAIN plus 85 very difficult word problems (math, of course). I had to do these with no scrap paper or calculator, so they took about two minutes each. I didn't get out of that store until 8PM almost.

Why have companies moved on to this technology? Do they really think this nets them better employees? Do they think it's fair to require people to own a Windows based computer to apply, or even a computer at all? Not everyone can stand at a computer in their store for hours on end like that.

It just seemed really pointless, and I needed to vent. I feel better now, and will feel a lot better once I start at a new job.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I forget I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I go out of my way with social things. I now understand that, that overwhelms me. Yet every once in a while, I slip up and don't take it easy.

The past week or so, I've been dealing with our land lord issues here, looking for a new apartment, calling for quotes on repairing some damage to my motorcycle, spending time with my other half, and working in a call center environment. It's easy to understand that I shouldn't be doing all that. That's why I'm spending an evening completely alone.

Rachel is downstairs and is minding our dog's attention, I'm off the phone, and I'm just going to shower and play my DS for a few hours before bed. This should recharge me enough to make it through the rest of my week.

A year ago, I would have gotten stressed out at work, like I did today, and probably quit my job or played sick. Back then, I didn't understand getting socially overloaded, and it happened a lot. Work was the one place I couldn't fully control interactions, so it always hurt me. Now, I understand what's going on and can work at correcting it.

Today, I toughed it out at work and made it to the end of the day with a smile on my face, as well. I came home and spent about an hour with Rachel while I ate supper and we watched some How It's Built (great show, by the way). Now, I'm alone and it's so peaceful.

I'm glad I finally understand how my brain works! :)

(Picture is of my beautiful poison dart frog, Miso)

Rough day at work

Today was hell at work. I work for an (unnamed) major company in a call center environment. It's extremely corporate.

I have arthritis. I know I'm young, but I've had it as far back as when I was ten. As such, I have trouble using a mouse at work. I need a trackball. This is where the trouble began.

I wasn't allowed to bring my own trackball. I've done this everywhere I've ever worked and never had any issues. They needed a doctor's note. No problem, I thought. I was wrong.

I got the form to have a doctor fill out back on my second day. My doctor back in Florida wouldn't fill it out without seeing me. That's not so easy when you're in Oklahoma. On top of that, I couldn't find a doctor out here who was accepting new patients. Finally, I ended up at the Urgent Care (one step below the emergency room) for something, and the doctor who did my follow-up filled it out for me.

I submitted the form at work and waited two weeks. Finally, it was approved. I couldn't bring my own and they would order one for me. Here's a trimmed down version of the email I got:

Hello Jade,
[[Jade Walker trackball.doc]]
I have attached your authorization form to this email. This form needs to be attached to your order with ISD on line services.

I do not place the order so please contact the help desk if you are not sure how to order this item.

This governance form must completed and the approval must be attached with your order to ISD,
the governance form can be accessed through this link: [link]

Yeah, that was Greek to me, too. I contacted my boss's boss and got the following two responses back to back:

I will get with the facilities manager and will have definitive answers in the morning.

In the interim, go ahead and contact the helpdesk to walk you through ordering the trackball.

Because of my Asperger's, I immediately put myself in "After Call Work" and called the help desk, who couldn't help me at all. I asked my boss, who scolded me for using ACW, then called her boss. She then told my boss that she "specifically told me not to do it in ACW, and to do it on my break." I got so frustrated by that, that I almost quit. I hate when someone lies about what they say to me. Thankfully, I saved the email.

An hour later, I got the following email from my boss:

I got some clarification on the trackball ordering process. Going forward, you aren't required to do anything at time this. If you receive any emails about this process, these should be redirected to [her boss] or myself. You do not need to save the emails or forms you've received in email, and there will be no need to contact the Help Desk, [facilities manager], HR, or anyone else with exception of [her boss] or myself. Everything has been taken care of to begin the process.

[her boss] is working from home today and submitted the forms for you today. This will begin the process of ordering the trackball. I also learned this is usually a 3 to 6 week process, as you can see below. I know you've been frustrated about the process and I can understand that, I really wanted to assist you today but we needed additional support in order to submit all of these forms. Now that we've learned the exact process, please see the expectations below. I know you inquired about a rush process before, and there isn't one that exists so the process outlined below will be the process followed.

From: my boss
To: her boss

I spoke with [facilities manager] and he gave me further clarification on this process. [facilities manager] said the attached Word document and the governance form have to come from Jade's manager. [facilities manager] said I could probably fill it all out but it has to be emailed from your email address to [misc HR guy]. [misc HR guy] will then review the information and return the approval to your email address. At that time, we have to save his email and both of these forms to our desktop, open a hardware request on an ISD service ticket, and submit this. ISD will order the hardware and it'll be shipped to ISD, then to our local office. [facilities manager] said turn around time could be several weeks, especially with a request being this close to the holidays and people out of the office, etc. [facilities manager] said he could step in and offer assistance if the mouse wasn't received by Christmas but for him to get involved prior to this wouldn't be beneficial or speed the process along because the process literally takes that long.

Good! The trackball crap is out of my hands finally! It sucks that I have to wait so long for it, now (especially when it's the same model that I already own and offered to bring in).

On my break, towards the end of the day, I talked to my boss about the problems with the "after call work." I told her that it really upset me when I was told that her boss specifically said not to use it. I showed her the email and she said it was implied. I asked her if she remembered my first day with her and what I said about autism. She said yes. I asked her if she remembered me asking for her to be clear because I take everything literally. She smiled and said yes. I asked her if she remembered me telling her boss the same thing. She laughed and said yes. I think she knew where I was going with this. I asked her to reread the email and tell me literally what it said. She said, "Get off the phone, go into ACW, and call help desk right now." I smiled, she laughed, and everything is okay now.

This never would have been possible before I was diagnosed. People would have just accused me of being difficult or lazy and that would have been it. I may have even been fired. It's nice to have people exersise a bit of patience with me finally!

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UPDATE: I finally got my trackball as of 12-3-07. It's the wrong model, but they'll let me use it until the correct one arrives. Woo! :)