Coming Out

I finally told my boss, after work yesterday (aka 8AM today), that I am autistic. My main reasons are that a coworker is taking advantage of me which is easier because of my autism, and we're having a new supervisor come in, in June.

The coworker is really pushing me, right now. He pulls schemes that I'm not catching onto for weeks at a time, and telling everyone else that I've said things I haven't. Now, it's out in the open that he's doing this and he's actually on the chopping block because of it.

The new supervisor is an issue for me because it's another new person to get used to suddenly. I want him to know ahead of time that I have strange body postures and don't look people in the eyes because of autism, not that I'm dishonest or hiding things.

None of this is a problem, and my boss is happy it's out in the open. Life is easy again. God, I love having that piece of paper with an official diagnosis, now. It was really worth all the effort :)

Surprise! Dream job!

I finally found a job, and started earlier this week. It was just going to be a job until I could find something else, but I was met with an amazing surprise. This is my dream job. My disability doesn't effect me at all, doing this, and I can excel like I'm truly capable of.

I am now a janitor. I work 3rd shift (over nights) at the Oklahoma University Law School. I show up at 10:30PM, long after everyone has left. I leave at 7AM, just before everyone arrives. I don't have any social pressures. I walk around the first floor and clean classrooms, board rooms, one court room, a cafe, a lounge full of fancy furniture, and two bathrooms (the only gross part). I listen to my iPod while I do this (usually science or wrestling podcasts).

I see no one while working. Because of that, I don't have to pretend to be social. I don't have to figure out what people mean when they speak to me. I don't have to deconstruct what I'm saying to make sure it conveys what I really mean. I don't get drained from being "on" through my whole shift. I can be myself fully.

Every job I've ever had, the social side of it has worn me out to the point where I'll get sick (real and pretend) to take much needed time to recoup afterward. If I didn't do this, I could end up crying in a quiet corner or the bathroom (something I've never admitted to before now). I'll never need that here, because I'll never be drained from constant social interaction.

Another giant plus is the lack of immediate supervision. I work fairly quickly on some things, and very slowly on others. Bosses hate this. Either I'm done early, or I take longer than others. If I was done early, I's have to find pointless busy work to keep me occupied so I looked productive (even though I already was). If I worked slow, I always got lectured on being lazy. Here, as long as the work is done and done well, it doesn't matter. I get my work done, and I can run at my own pace. If I need a short break to grab something to snack on, I can. As long as the work gets done. If it takes me an extra 30 minutes to finish something, I can take it. As long as the work gets done. I love this.

The last major difference is that I now work for the state (I didn't know this until my third night). Once I'm past my probationary period, I don't have to stress about being fired for any little thing (it's always a little thing with me, it seems). I'll have REAL job security finally. I won't have to worry about having a single bad day (which shouldn't happen with the social aspects removed, honestly), and rubbing someone the wrong way and losing my job in the process. I'm not going to slack off or doing anything dumb, of course. That's not me in the least. I just won't be stressed out about losing my source of income and having to deal with another round of terribly stressful interviews.

I am a janitor. I am an autistic janitor. I'm proud to be an autistic janitor. I love my new job. I don't want to ever have to look for work again. I'm home.

My past

Only knowing about my autism for a little over a year now, no one who knew me before that had any clue, obviously. I was called lazy a lot. A lot of people misinterpreted things I'd say and read in motives that I never had, destroying many friendships. I would be asked constantly about why I could seem so stupid at times, yet be so intelligent. All of these memories hurt me very badly.

I know it's not the best idea in the world, but part of me would love to call up everyone who I ever disappointed and say, "Hey! Sorry about that. I'm autistic!" It wouldn't make up for things I've done or forgotten, but it would make me feel better. That said, it's not something that is even near the scope of doable, and it will just come off as me making excuses for myself (something I've only recently learned about). That doesn't change the fact that I think about that constantly.

Most of the people are former employers, people I interviewed with, and teachers. I also wish I could tell my parents, but they both passed away three years ago.

One of my more painful memories is my very first job interview. I was sixteen years old, and applying at a CiCi's Pizza (all you can eat pizza buffet, if you haven't heard of it). My mom drove me to the interview, since I didn't have a license yet. I didn't understand the concept of dressing for an interview, yet. I wore the blue jeans that I wore every day of high school, and my favorite t-shirt that I usually wore at least three times a week (they were both so comfortable). The interview was going okay, but the guy doing it made a comment that came off as very rude to me, saying, "You'll need to get some pants that fit." My pants weren't very baggy, but the ankles were frayed from being cut off. I made a joke, trying to lighten the mood, and said, "Oh? I thought these fit just fine." I smiled as I said it, but looked towards the floor, avoiding eye contact. He didn't say anything. The interview finished, and as I was walking out to my mom's car, he came into the parking lot and yelled, "Don't bother coming back! I don't like your attitude!" To this day, I still don't really understand what he meant, but the emotional scar is still there.

I would love to be able to go back to that manager and tell him, "I'm sorry. I'm autistic. I thought I was making a joke and I guess it didn't translate well." It doesn't matter that it was 11 years ago, I relive it very often.

It's so strange to have an invisible disability, especially when I can fake being normal so easily sometimes.

Fail

I've been a musician as long as I've had memory. I think I'm up to about 22 years, now. I started with piano, moved to guitar, moved to bass guitar, and finally moved to drums. As my arthritis has gotten progressively worse, I've lost my ability to play the first three. Now, I only play drums.

When we moved out to Oklahoma, I was drumless. I sold my electric set a little while before we left Florida (story for another day). I found myself a beautiful acoustic set with a retail of $2400. It wasn't long before it was mine.

All was well at our old (sewagey) apartment. One side from us was vacant. The other side never minded if I played. That said, it was very difficult for me, because I don't like people hearing me practice because that's when I make all my mistakes.

When we moved in to our new apartment, that's where the problems came in. Both of our neighbors knew I had a kit and okayed certain times to play. The first time I played, our neighbor across the hall beat my door down to tell me to stop. His kid was napping. The second time I played, our downstairs neighbor came up to tell me I missed lots of beats and asked if his wife could watch me play for a while. That REALLY made me self-conscious. I stopped playing then.

I finally made the very hard choice to sell my beautiful new acoustic set and buy another electric. I finally found someone on Craig's List who would trade one for one with me. It was at a loss on my end, but I really needed to play again.

Tonight, Rachel and I drove 70 miles each way to trade kits. I brought the new one home, set it up, and started trying it out so I could get everything set where I wanted it. While using it, the downstairs neighbor came up and asked me to stop. They could hear everything.

Why do I even try? :(

Scared

If you read this blog, please leave a comment on this post. I need advice.

For the second night since we moved into our new apartment, I've heard my neighbor beat his wife. They scream at each other, he smacks the shit out of her, I hear her slam into the walls, and I hear her cry like crazy.

The first time it happened, I called 911. An officer came and spoke to them. I heard the whole conversation. They both made excuses, and she said that he didn't hit her, only things, and that it was the baby crying (I can tell the difference between an infant crying, and a grown woman).

I don't want my neighbor to know that I was the one who called the cops, which is what's keeping me from calling again, tonight. Still, I hate to know this is going on, let alone having to hear it so clearly.

---

As I was typing, I just learned that this time it was our downstairs neighbor (the other one). The husband is outside, telling her to come back inside. I also heard one of them kick one of their dogs.

Is this the norm in Oklahoma? Should I just learn to ignore it? It really makes me feel like a terrible person not to help in this situation. What can I do?

No Internet

Sorry for the lack of posts. We had to move suddenly and have no internet here, yet. I'm on a borrowed wifi, but it's not stable.

Our old apartment complex talked me into giving them another week to fix things and make everything right. At the end of that week, our upstairs was collapsing more and hadn't been addressed, we'd had sewage in the parking lot for a week (that's what the picture is), they changed their mind about paying for the damage to my motorcycle, and they threatened to evict us because Rachel's name wasn't on the lease (it is).

We finally made the decision that we couldn't deal with the harassment any longer, so we started moving into a new complex that day. I injured myself falling on the frozen sewage on Saturday night, but otherwise we're here now.

The old complex wants to hold us liable for breaking the lease, keep our security deposit, and charge us 85% of the remaining 7 months on our lease. Legally, they have no leg to stand on. I'm working on a lawsuit against them that will address the damage to my motorcycle, and our moving expenses since we had to vacate suddenly. I don't want to deal with it, at all, but I don't want to let them "win."

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I forget I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I go out of my way with social things. I now understand that, that overwhelms me. Yet every once in a while, I slip up and don't take it easy.

The past week or so, I've been dealing with our land lord issues here, looking for a new apartment, calling for quotes on repairing some damage to my motorcycle, spending time with my other half, and working in a call center environment. It's easy to understand that I shouldn't be doing all that. That's why I'm spending an evening completely alone.

Rachel is downstairs and is minding our dog's attention, I'm off the phone, and I'm just going to shower and play my DS for a few hours before bed. This should recharge me enough to make it through the rest of my week.

A year ago, I would have gotten stressed out at work, like I did today, and probably quit my job or played sick. Back then, I didn't understand getting socially overloaded, and it happened a lot. Work was the one place I couldn't fully control interactions, so it always hurt me. Now, I understand what's going on and can work at correcting it.

Today, I toughed it out at work and made it to the end of the day with a smile on my face, as well. I came home and spent about an hour with Rachel while I ate supper and we watched some How It's Built (great show, by the way). Now, I'm alone and it's so peaceful.

I'm glad I finally understand how my brain works! :)

(Picture is of my beautiful poison dart frog, Miso)

Trust

Throughout my life, I've always had a problem with trust. It's almost always come back to bite me in the ass. I'm extremely trusting of everyone I meet, and I can't change that no matter how hard I try. I feel really guilty if I do.

The most recent example of this is our apartment complex. It's falling apart, right now. Management won't fix it or even look at it. Property of ours has been damaged (the main one that pissed me off was my motorcycle), and they won't reimburse us when it was done directly by their actions. All this, and I still have trouble being firm with my points when I speak to anyone in the office.

Today, I have to get us out of our lease. Once I do that, I have to sign a lease on a new apartment. That one has me worried, because I'm going to be too trusting again. I've come to learn that will never change, and I guess I can accept that now with my diagnosis.

Social behavior is usually something that those of us with Asperger's Syndrome can't understand or learn very easily. I understand that sometimes people lie when it benefits them. I don't understand the concept fully, because I don't have this behavior. Because of that, I can't tell when I'm hearing a lie and when I'm hearing the truth.

This is a huge disability, when it comes to fitting in with normal society. I only have a black & white understanding on honesty. I trust any person I meet until they cross me more often then not, then I won't trust them at all.

Let's hope that things improve with this new apartment complex because I don't expect them to do so here, now.

(pictures is of my dog, Tumble)

Rough day at work

Today was hell at work. I work for an (unnamed) major company in a call center environment. It's extremely corporate.

I have arthritis. I know I'm young, but I've had it as far back as when I was ten. As such, I have trouble using a mouse at work. I need a trackball. This is where the trouble began.

I wasn't allowed to bring my own trackball. I've done this everywhere I've ever worked and never had any issues. They needed a doctor's note. No problem, I thought. I was wrong.

I got the form to have a doctor fill out back on my second day. My doctor back in Florida wouldn't fill it out without seeing me. That's not so easy when you're in Oklahoma. On top of that, I couldn't find a doctor out here who was accepting new patients. Finally, I ended up at the Urgent Care (one step below the emergency room) for something, and the doctor who did my follow-up filled it out for me.

I submitted the form at work and waited two weeks. Finally, it was approved. I couldn't bring my own and they would order one for me. Here's a trimmed down version of the email I got:

Hello Jade,
[[Jade Walker trackball.doc]]
I have attached your authorization form to this email. This form needs to be attached to your order with ISD on line services.

I do not place the order so please contact the help desk if you are not sure how to order this item.

This governance form must completed and the approval must be attached with your order to ISD,
the governance form can be accessed through this link: [link]

Yeah, that was Greek to me, too. I contacted my boss's boss and got the following two responses back to back:

I will get with the facilities manager and will have definitive answers in the morning.

In the interim, go ahead and contact the helpdesk to walk you through ordering the trackball.

Because of my Asperger's, I immediately put myself in "After Call Work" and called the help desk, who couldn't help me at all. I asked my boss, who scolded me for using ACW, then called her boss. She then told my boss that she "specifically told me not to do it in ACW, and to do it on my break." I got so frustrated by that, that I almost quit. I hate when someone lies about what they say to me. Thankfully, I saved the email.

An hour later, I got the following email from my boss:

I got some clarification on the trackball ordering process. Going forward, you aren't required to do anything at time this. If you receive any emails about this process, these should be redirected to [her boss] or myself. You do not need to save the emails or forms you've received in email, and there will be no need to contact the Help Desk, [facilities manager], HR, or anyone else with exception of [her boss] or myself. Everything has been taken care of to begin the process.

[her boss] is working from home today and submitted the forms for you today. This will begin the process of ordering the trackball. I also learned this is usually a 3 to 6 week process, as you can see below. I know you've been frustrated about the process and I can understand that, I really wanted to assist you today but we needed additional support in order to submit all of these forms. Now that we've learned the exact process, please see the expectations below. I know you inquired about a rush process before, and there isn't one that exists so the process outlined below will be the process followed.

From: my boss
To: her boss

I spoke with [facilities manager] and he gave me further clarification on this process. [facilities manager] said the attached Word document and the governance form have to come from Jade's manager. [facilities manager] said I could probably fill it all out but it has to be emailed from your email address to [misc HR guy]. [misc HR guy] will then review the information and return the approval to your email address. At that time, we have to save his email and both of these forms to our desktop, open a hardware request on an ISD service ticket, and submit this. ISD will order the hardware and it'll be shipped to ISD, then to our local office. [facilities manager] said turn around time could be several weeks, especially with a request being this close to the holidays and people out of the office, etc. [facilities manager] said he could step in and offer assistance if the mouse wasn't received by Christmas but for him to get involved prior to this wouldn't be beneficial or speed the process along because the process literally takes that long.

Good! The trackball crap is out of my hands finally! It sucks that I have to wait so long for it, now (especially when it's the same model that I already own and offered to bring in).

On my break, towards the end of the day, I talked to my boss about the problems with the "after call work." I told her that it really upset me when I was told that her boss specifically said not to use it. I showed her the email and she said it was implied. I asked her if she remembered my first day with her and what I said about autism. She said yes. I asked her if she remembered me asking for her to be clear because I take everything literally. She smiled and said yes. I asked her if she remembered me telling her boss the same thing. She laughed and said yes. I think she knew where I was going with this. I asked her to reread the email and tell me literally what it said. She said, "Get off the phone, go into ACW, and call help desk right now." I smiled, she laughed, and everything is okay now.

This never would have been possible before I was diagnosed. People would have just accused me of being difficult or lazy and that would have been it. I may have even been fired. It's nice to have people exersise a bit of patience with me finally!

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UPDATE: I finally got my trackball as of 12-3-07. It's the wrong model, but they'll let me use it until the correct one arrives. Woo! :)

Symptoms

I think it would be a good idea to list some of my symptoms on here. Maybe you can see a few of these in yourself and they'll help you in some way. I'll probably forget several, but this is a good start, I think.

Social

• speaking literally
• taking other's statements literally
• unable to deal with unfamiliar situations
• uncomfortable with physical contact
• unable to follow rules that don't make sense
• vague instructions cause freezing up

Stimming Rituals

• leg fidgitting
• touching my lips
• stroking my beard
• cracking fingers/wrists/elbows/shoulders/ankles

Obsessive Niche Interests

• professional wrestling
• body modification (piercing, tattooing, etc)
• portable video games
• math based puzzle games
• tarantulas
• insects

Sensory

• disgusted by dry textures
• unable to stomach unfamiliar tastes
• ability to "feel" sounds