Surprise! Dream job!

I finally found a job, and started earlier this week. It was just going to be a job until I could find something else, but I was met with an amazing surprise. This is my dream job. My disability doesn't effect me at all, doing this, and I can excel like I'm truly capable of.

I am now a janitor. I work 3rd shift (over nights) at the Oklahoma University Law School. I show up at 10:30PM, long after everyone has left. I leave at 7AM, just before everyone arrives. I don't have any social pressures. I walk around the first floor and clean classrooms, board rooms, one court room, a cafe, a lounge full of fancy furniture, and two bathrooms (the only gross part). I listen to my iPod while I do this (usually science or wrestling podcasts).

I see no one while working. Because of that, I don't have to pretend to be social. I don't have to figure out what people mean when they speak to me. I don't have to deconstruct what I'm saying to make sure it conveys what I really mean. I don't get drained from being "on" through my whole shift. I can be myself fully.

Every job I've ever had, the social side of it has worn me out to the point where I'll get sick (real and pretend) to take much needed time to recoup afterward. If I didn't do this, I could end up crying in a quiet corner or the bathroom (something I've never admitted to before now). I'll never need that here, because I'll never be drained from constant social interaction.

Another giant plus is the lack of immediate supervision. I work fairly quickly on some things, and very slowly on others. Bosses hate this. Either I'm done early, or I take longer than others. If I was done early, I's have to find pointless busy work to keep me occupied so I looked productive (even though I already was). If I worked slow, I always got lectured on being lazy. Here, as long as the work is done and done well, it doesn't matter. I get my work done, and I can run at my own pace. If I need a short break to grab something to snack on, I can. As long as the work gets done. If it takes me an extra 30 minutes to finish something, I can take it. As long as the work gets done. I love this.

The last major difference is that I now work for the state (I didn't know this until my third night). Once I'm past my probationary period, I don't have to stress about being fired for any little thing (it's always a little thing with me, it seems). I'll have REAL job security finally. I won't have to worry about having a single bad day (which shouldn't happen with the social aspects removed, honestly), and rubbing someone the wrong way and losing my job in the process. I'm not going to slack off or doing anything dumb, of course. That's not me in the least. I just won't be stressed out about losing my source of income and having to deal with another round of terribly stressful interviews.

I am a janitor. I am an autistic janitor. I'm proud to be an autistic janitor. I love my new job. I don't want to ever have to look for work again. I'm home.

My past

Only knowing about my autism for a little over a year now, no one who knew me before that had any clue, obviously. I was called lazy a lot. A lot of people misinterpreted things I'd say and read in motives that I never had, destroying many friendships. I would be asked constantly about why I could seem so stupid at times, yet be so intelligent. All of these memories hurt me very badly.

I know it's not the best idea in the world, but part of me would love to call up everyone who I ever disappointed and say, "Hey! Sorry about that. I'm autistic!" It wouldn't make up for things I've done or forgotten, but it would make me feel better. That said, it's not something that is even near the scope of doable, and it will just come off as me making excuses for myself (something I've only recently learned about). That doesn't change the fact that I think about that constantly.

Most of the people are former employers, people I interviewed with, and teachers. I also wish I could tell my parents, but they both passed away three years ago.

One of my more painful memories is my very first job interview. I was sixteen years old, and applying at a CiCi's Pizza (all you can eat pizza buffet, if you haven't heard of it). My mom drove me to the interview, since I didn't have a license yet. I didn't understand the concept of dressing for an interview, yet. I wore the blue jeans that I wore every day of high school, and my favorite t-shirt that I usually wore at least three times a week (they were both so comfortable). The interview was going okay, but the guy doing it made a comment that came off as very rude to me, saying, "You'll need to get some pants that fit." My pants weren't very baggy, but the ankles were frayed from being cut off. I made a joke, trying to lighten the mood, and said, "Oh? I thought these fit just fine." I smiled as I said it, but looked towards the floor, avoiding eye contact. He didn't say anything. The interview finished, and as I was walking out to my mom's car, he came into the parking lot and yelled, "Don't bother coming back! I don't like your attitude!" To this day, I still don't really understand what he meant, but the emotional scar is still there.

I would love to be able to go back to that manager and tell him, "I'm sorry. I'm autistic. I thought I was making a joke and I guess it didn't translate well." It doesn't matter that it was 11 years ago, I relive it very often.

It's so strange to have an invisible disability, especially when I can fake being normal so easily sometimes.